Short Jokes

Short Jokes is a collection of some very short txt jokes, PJs and also some hilarious and funny jokes. Enjoy your time reading these titbits and be happy in life.


001.
Where can we find a sea without water and earth with out people?
Ans: On the map


002.
which is the laziest mountain?
Ans: Ever-rest


003.
A thing has a spark at one end and a fool at the other
Ans:Cigarette


004.
Did you hear about the man who recently awoke from a thirty year coma and the
first thing he asked for was a cup of coffee. "Just a little cup" he asked "a lot of
caffeine tends to keep me awake".


005.
Two cows were talking at market and Molly says to Daisy "I was artificially
inseminated an hour ago". Daisy replied " I don't believe that for a minute".
Molly retorted "Its true - no bull".




006.
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. You won't be surprised to
hear that the kids were nothing to look at either.


007.
I was hit by a car and ended up in hospital. The Nurse asked me "Are you
comfortable?". "I replied "I make enough to get by thanks".


008.
I was on the bus last week when a woman and her baby got on. The bus driver
commented that it was the ugliest child that he had ever seen. "That's not nice" I
said to the woman " You go and have words with him , don't worry, I will look
after this monkey for you".


009.
I knew my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend said to me " the last
thing that I would wish to do is to ever hurt you. However, it is still there on the list.


010.
Definition of a Diplomat
A person who has the abilty to say "Go to Hell" in a way that makes you look
forward to going.


011.
A miserable old drunk in a bar shouted out "Remember, if this world didn't suck
so much, we would probably all fall off it".


012.
My Mexican cousin once told me that life should be taken with a pinch of
salt ....and a wedge of lemon ....... not forgetting a large measure of tequilla.


013.
I bought my wife a Jaguar for her birthday this year. It ripped her to shreds. I knew I should have bought her a car instead.


014.
A duck went to a supermarket to buy some groceries. The cashier asked if the
duck was paying cash to which the duck replied "No, just stick it on my bill".


015.
I went to the Dentist last week and said "What can I do with these yellow teeth
of mine". The dentist replied " A brown tie might go well..."


016.
A friend of mine who is prone to tell untruths told me that a man from the local
asylum had thrown a grenade at him the other day. "What did you do" I asked
disbelievingly. " I took out the pin and threw it back" came the reply.


017.
A new prisoner was asked by another inmate what he was in for. The answer
came "Unfortunately, I'm in for 10 years for telling the truth"


018.
I saw this letter recently in our local lonely hearts ad page in the newspaper.
Dear Paul
Since we broke up I cannot eat or sleep properly. Please find it in your heart to
forgive me. I miss you terribly and still love you.
Love always
Victoria
P.S. Congratulations on last week's lottery win by the way.


019.
I went to our local bookmakers last week and I backed a greyhound at five to one.
Guess what? It came home at ten past three.
My brother took his new tie back to the store last week. "What is wrong with it?" asked the assistant. "It's far too tight" replied my brother.
My wife bought a brand new car yesterday and when she pressed the hooter it went WOOF WOOF WOOF - she'd bought a Rover.


020.
The other day I was leaving home to go to work and my neighbour said to me " Any chance that you can give me a bit of a lift?" "Certainly" I replied "you look fantastic and that skirt goes really well with your eyes".


021.
My wife went to our local ice cream parlour recently and asked for a vanilla ice
cream. "Hundreds and thousands" asked the assistant. "No" said my wife "just
one will suffice thanks".


022.
At a recent to my dentist, as soon as I walked in he told me to say "Aaah". When I asked why he replied " Because my cat has just died".


023.
Just as I returned home from work yesterday the telephone rang. I picked up the phone and asked "Who is speaking?". The voice replied "You are you fool".


024.
I made a telephone call to our local swimming baths the other day. "Is that the
local baths " I asked. The voice replied "That all depends where you are phoning
from".


025.
My wife went to our local pharmacy last week and asked "Can you make up something for me?". The pharmacist replied "George Clooney was in here not ten minutes ago". "Really" my wife replied. "No" I made it up" said the pharmacist.


026.
I saw an old man trying to cross a busy road the other day and asked him "Why are you attempting to cross the road here when there is a zebra crossing thirty yards from here? The old man replied " I hope he's having more luck than I am.


027.
A man on a TV. quiz show was asked to name an Indian leader who had the title
Mahatma and the second name started with the letter G. "Geronimo" he replied


028.
Note left for milkman : Do not leave any milk at Number 22 today as Mr Jones has died until further notice.


029.
I had a terrible dream last night. I dreamt that I had eaten a twelve pound marshmallow. When I awoke this morning, my pillow had gone.


030.
The police arrested my two kids the other day for drinking battery acid and eating
fireworks. One of them was charged and the other they let off.


031.
Two television aerials met on a rooftop. They fell in love and were married. Although the ceremony was dreadful, the reception was excellent.


032.
My sister's boyfriend said to her the other day "Your figure reminds me of a salt
pot". "I will take that remark as a condiment" she replied.
I went to our local butcher's last week and asked for two pounds of bacon.
"We only sell kilos here sir" said the butcher. "Okay" I replied "I'll have two
pounds of kilos then".


033.
I was caught stealing in our local supermarket last week whilst balancing on a couple of vampires shoulders. I was given 18 months for shoplifting on 2 counts.


034.
I was at Waterloo station travelling to France and the man behind the ticket desk
said "Eurostar" I replied "I did reach the last eight on X-Factor, but ‘m no Will Young".


035.
My brother is a bit of a joker and the other day he phoned our local gym and asked
them if they could teach him the correct way to do the splits. They asked "Are you
flexible"? He replied "Wednesdays and Fridays are a problem, but otherwise no
problem.


036.
I went into my local coffee shop the other day and said to the waitress "Is the
milk fresh?". "Put it like this" she said "It was grass less than two hours ago.


037.
One thing has always puzzled me. Why is it a man is willing to pay $10 for an
item he wants that is worth $5 when a woman is wiling to pay $5 for an item
worth $10 that she doesn't want.?


038.
Why is that although most married men tend to live longer than men who are
single, they are a much more willing not to?


039.
Two snowmen are in a field. The first snowman says to the second " Strange isn't it but yes I can smell carrots as well".


040.
I went to an Abba tribute night last week and saw a man playing Waterloo on his
didgeridoo. I said to the wife "Isn't that aboriginal".


041.
I went into the jewellers the other day to buy a new watch and the assistant said to
me "Analogue". "No, the watch on its own is fine thank you "I replied.


042.
A man goes into his local electrical store and asks "Is there anyone who can sell
me a food processor". The male assistant replied "Kenwood" I said "Okay, go and
get him then".


043.
Yesterday I met a woman who compiles crosswords for a living. Her name was M
something R something A.


044.
I read a brilliant book recently entitled "The History of Superglue". Once I had
read it, the words stuck in my mind for ages.


045.
Our local policeman approached me the other day and handed me a piece of
greaseproof paper and a pencil. "Can you trace someone for me" he said.
My brother told my dad that he had opened a cabaret club. He said "You're
having me on aren't you? He replied "I'll certainly audition you but I can't make
any promises".


046.
I telephoned our local builders yesterday and said "Is it okay to have a skip
outside the house tomorrow" He replied "You can have a dance if you want; it's
none of my business".


047.
How many psychiatrists are needed to change a fuse?
Only one - but the fuse has to want to change


048.
What is the final thing that goes through an insects mind as it hits your windscreen?
Its bottom


049.
I read in the newspaper that 98 % of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of
the home – so I moved to a new house 8 miles away.


050.
The weather has not been too bad this week – it only rained twice. 1st time for 3
days and 2nd time for 4 days.


051.
Should this note blow away and you do not read it, please let me know as soon as
possible and I will leave you another one.


052.
A woman hails a taxi cab. "Can you take me to the coach station please"? As they
travel along, the driver looks at her through his mirror and says to her "Do you
know that you are the fourth pregnant lady I've had in this cab this morning. " The woman replies "but I'm not pregnant"
The taxi driver says "Yes but we are not at the coach station yet either".


053.
My cousin went into our local video rental shop again and asked:
"I want to take out Batman Forever".
The female assistant replied "Sorry, you have to return it by Wednesday".


054.
What was the reason for the confused looking woman staring at the can of frozen Apple juice for twenty minutes?
Because it said Concentrate on the side of the can.


055.
My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly.
"Quick, pack your bags; I've won £20 million on the National Lottery".
"Where are we going" I asked.
She replied what's this:
"We – just pack your bags and get out you useless man".


056.
I went to a restaurant last week and just as my soup arrived, I needed the toilet. To make sure that no-one tampered with it' I wrote on my napkin "I have spit in this soup".
On my return I noticed that the waiter had written on the napkin "that's okay, so have I!".


057.
Mother telephones her son "Your sister gave birth last week but I don't know if she had a girl or a boy so I can't tell you yet whether you are an auntie or an uncle".


058.
The weather has not been too bad this week – it only rained twice. 1st time for 3 days and 2nd time for 4 days.


059.
I read in the newspaper that 98% of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of the home – so I moved to a new house 8 miles away.


060.
Friend 1: When your dad thrashes you, how come you never get annoyed?
Friend 2: To control my anger, I start cleaning the toilet seat.
Friend 1: How does that help you on controlling your anger?
Friend 2: Well, I use my dad's toothbrush for cleaning the toilet.


061.
Driver: Sir, you should always put a screw driver in the car all the time.
Owner: No, you drive alone; I don’t have much money to hire another driver.


062.
After finishing the song:
Singer: So everyone, how do you feel now?
Listener: Excellent. Now tha you are not singing we are felling better than before.


063.
Tim: You know Jim; foolish people believe everything without any doubt.
Jim: Do you have any doubt about it?
Tim: Nope.


064.
A woman bought some stuffs from a supermarket and went to the counter.
Women: please check me out now, I am in a hurry.
The clerk looked at the woman for some 5 seconds.
Then said,'Perfect!'

065.
A Political leader is giving a speech:
If you vote for me, I will build a bridge for you.
Listener: But we don’t have any river.
Leader: I will dig a river and then build the bridge.


066.
Two men are quarrelling.
Man 1: I am warning you. Don’t let me to bring out the beast inside me.
Man 2: Whatever. I am not scared of rats.


067.
Question: What will happen if a snail becomes a sailor?
Answer: Snailor.


068.
Mr. Parker: Police, help me, I can’t find my son.
Police: Sorry, I am not good at hide and seek.


069.
The court becomes crowded.
Judge: Order! Order!
Culprit: Two hamburgers and a soda please.


070.
While filling a form:
Son: What should I write about my mother tongue?
Father: Too long.


071.
Policeman: Please, give me a description of the missing account holder.
Bank manager: He was 5 feet tall and 7500000$ short.


072.
Mimi: Why do you always close your eyes when you sing?
Simon: Because I hate to see my audience sleeping.


073.
Two men were fighting.
Man 1: I will take all your teeth.
Man 2: You want it? Fine, I will give it to you.
Man 1: ???
Man 2: Yes, my teeth are fake.


074.
What dress can be worn?
Address


075.
What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
I find you attractive.


076.
What do you call a baby after its six months old?
A seventh month old baby.


077.
Did you hear about the kid-napping?
Yes, I switched on the TV and the kid woke up.


078.
In the 1st year after a couple gets married, the husband speaks and the wife listens. In 2nd year of marriage the wife speaks and the husband listens. In the 3rd year of marriage, both of them speak and the neighbours listen.


079.
Santa: How do you want to die?
Banta: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming or yelling like the passengers in the car he was driving.


080.
I am very good in tennis, football and pro wrestling but I had to stop playing them because my Xbox fell down and broke.


081.
How do soccer stars stay cool during a game?
They stay in front of fans!


082.
Customer: Excuse me, but its disgusting to see the way you put your thumb inside my soup, when you served it.
Waiter: My thumb had an infection and it felt good to put it inside the warm soup.


083.
Mother: Our son is stealing money where ever I keep them, what to do now?
Father: Keep them in his school books; he never touches them.


084.
Person 1: Look at that weird looking boy with short cowboy like hair and flashy dress.
Person 2: Oh, that? Thats a girl and she is my daughter.
Person 1: Oh, am sorry! I didnt know you are her father.
Person 2: Actually I am her mother, not father.


085.
Santa: How far is the land from here?
Banta: Around 1 mile from here.
Santa: Which direction, North or South?
Banta: Downwards.