Animal Jokes

Animal Jokes are funny and crazy jokes about cats, cows, lions, tigers and vampire bats. These jokes about animals are sure to tickle your funny bones. Animal jokes also contain jokes about birds and insects.


001:
The bartender says, "No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives."
"Oh," says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later the duck returns and say to the same barman,
"Have you got any olives?"
"I told you before, we have cherries and grapes, but WE DON'T HAVE OLIVES!" says the barman.
"Oh," says the duck and leaves. Another five minutes later the duck comes back a third time and again asks, "Have you got any olives?"
"Look, " screams the barman. "For the last time WE HAVE NO OLIVES!, we will never have ANY OLIVES and if you ask me once more, I am going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!"
"Oh," said the duck and left. Five minutes later, the door opened and there was the duck. The barman is absolutely furious. He slams a bottle of beer on the bar, stares at the duck and screams:
"WHAT NOW???!!" "Uh...uh...have ...you ...got...any....NAILS?"
"Nails? Nails? No, we haven’t got any nails," answered the barman
"Okay," said the duck. "So, have you got any olives?"




002:
Ther are three ants swiming.
Two ants are swiming regularly and third ant put his left hand up and swiming why?
becoz the ant's watch is not water proof


003:
What do you find in a beach where ants go?
Micro-waves!


004:
Which degree did the dog get?
A pedigree.


005:
Which bird wrote a book?
A Penguin.


006:
Which bird is the weightlifting champion?
A Crane.


007:
Which dog do vampires like?
Bloodhound


008:
How do fireflies say tata?
Got to glow now.


009:
How do you pull out your front teeth for free?
Smack a donkey's back.


010:
Which dog will tell you the time?
A watch dog.


011:
Why do humming birds hum?
Because they dont know the lyrics.


012:
Why do animals fly south during the winter?
Because they cant walk so far.


013:
Why did the chicken cross the dirty road two times?
Because it was a dirty double-crosser.


014:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To reach the other side ofcourse!.


015:
How do you give a tail to a Doberman?
Take it to a 'retail' store.


016:
Whats the diff between a cat and a comma?
A 'Cat' has the paws before the claws while a 'Comma' has the clause before the pause.


017:
Male vampire bat goes in search of blood to drink and returns in 2 minutes with lots of blood in its mouth.
Female Bat: How did you manage to get so much blood in 2 minutes?
Male Bat: Do you see the black wall over there?
Female Bat: Yeah
Male Bat: Well, I didnt.


018:
Cow 1: Did you see the news? The mad cow disease is affecting many cows making them to go mad.
Cow 2: Yeah, I saw it on TV. Thankfully it wont affect us donkeys.


019:
Three birds walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Bird watcher 1: What sort of bird is that?
Bird watcher 2: A gulp.
Bird watcher 1: A gulp? I've never heard of one of them before.
Bird watcher 2: It's a bit like a swallow, only bigger.


020:
I took my pet Alsatian to the vet last week and said to him "I think my dog is
slightly cross-eyed can you do anything for him?". The vet examined him and
said "I"must put him down". "What - because he is cross eyed". "No" replied the
vet" because he is far too heavy.


021:
An owl went to send a telegram and wrote "Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot."
The clerk looked at the form and said " You've only six words here, you can have
three more for the same fee".
The owl looked at the clerk and said dismissively " But that wouldn't make any
sense if I did that".


022:
I went into our local pet shop the other day and asked the attendant if I could by a
goldfish. The female assistant said "Would you like an aquarium"? I replied "it
doesn"t matter to me what its star sign is".


023:
Question: Where do cats go when they lose their tails?
Answer: A good retail store.
Question: Why did a cat pour oil over a mouse?
Answer: Because it was squeaking a lot.
Question: Why was an entire jury of cats dismissed by the judge?
Answer: They had all been found guilty of purr jury.
Question: What is another name for a cat who swallows a duck?
Answer: Duck filled fatty puss.


024:
My friend Bob went to a bar last week and sat beside a man who had a dog sat by him. "Has your dog ever bitten anyone?" Bob asked. "No" replied the man. The dog then jumped up and bit Bob on the arm. "You lied; you said your dog had never bitten anyone" cried Bob. "I know, that isn"t my dog" came the reply.


025:
"I think my dog must be going fishing" Johnny said to his Dad. "Whatever gave you that idea, Son" he asked. "Well, Mum said that he had got worms".


026:
Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says " I'm here because I chewed
all the shoes in my master's house". The Second dog exclaimed " I peed all over my master's £3,000 persian rug". Dog number says " My owners a woman who enjoys doing the housework naked, so as she bent over, I decided to go for one ride of a lifetime ". "So that's why she's sent you here?" asked the two other dogs. "Oh no, I'm just here for my nails clipping".


027:
When I came back from work yesterday my wife informed me that the cat had eaten my dinner. "No worries" I replied " We can always buy another cat".


028:
A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly "BARK" at which point the cat ran off. "There, you see" said the mother mouse to her baby "that is why learning a foreign language is so important".


029:
Billy had been away from home on business for several days. On his return, his wife told him how much the dog had missed him. "Every night, Millie would be waiting by the front door for you coming home" she said. "Wow, that is devotion" Billy replied. "Would you be that concerned?" "Darling" she replied "If you had been gone all night and I had no idea where you went, you bet your life that I would be waiting at that front door when you got back".


030:
Little Johnny was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbour looked over the fence and asked "What are you doing here, son? "I"ve just buried my goldfish; it died" replied Little Johnny tearfully. "That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish" said the neighbour. Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Johnny said "That"s because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat".


031:
My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be known that nobody was left in the house said to the driver "He"s gone upstairs to tell my mother we are leaving". Five minutes later, not knowing what my wife had said I exclaimed "Sorry for the delay but the silly old thing was hiding behind the cupboard so she needed to be poked with a stick to bring her out".


032:
I was driving along a country lane last weekend when a chicken ran past my car at 60 km per hour. I tried in vain but was unable to keep up with it. I saw it turn into the farmyard and so I followed it in. I was amazed when I saw the yard full of chickens – all with three legs. I shouted to the farmer "that is amazing. All these chickens with three legs". "Yes, I breed them like that because me and my wife love drumsticks" said the farmer. "Do three legged chickens taste good?" I enquired. "No idea" replied the farmer "I haven’t managed to catch one so far".


033:
A mouse and a cat arrive at the gates of heaven at exactly the same time. St. Peter asks the mouse "Do you like heaven?" "Its Okay" replied the mouse "But could I have some roller blades?" "No problem" said St. Peter and handed the mouse his roller blades. The following day, St. Peter asked the cat "Do you like heaven?" "I love it" replied the cat "You even have meals on wheels here".


034:
I followed a man with his dog from the movie theatre last night and said to him “You have an amazing dog there. I was watching him through the film and he was laughing and crying in all the right places. Isn't that really unusual". "It is" he replied "considering he absolutely hated the book".


035:
One summer afternoon, a chicken and a pig were strolling along and came across
a church that was having an event for charity. Being good animals, they thought
that they should offer to help in some way.
" I've got an idea" said the chicken "Lets offer them something".
"Like what" replied the pig.
"How about Ham and Eggs" said the chicken
" No way; to you that may be an offering but to me, that is a sacrifice" said the pig
as he ran away.


036:
At our local wildlife park, there was one kangeroo who repeatedly kept managing
to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15 foot fence. The
following morning, they found the kangeroo wandering around the zoo - it had
escaped again.
This kept occuring until the fence was 80 feet high. In the adjoining enclosure was
a tiger who asked the kangeroo " What height do you say they will stop at"?
"About 150 feet" said the kangeroo "or until they remember to lock up at night"


037:
A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television and as he is about to
pick it up, he hears a voice saying “God is watching you”. He then notices a wallet
stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears
the voice “God is still watching you”. He looks around the room with his torch
and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. He approaches the parrot
and asks “What is your name” “Solomon” the parrot replies. “Who would be daft
enough to call a parrot Solomon” retorted the burglar.
“The same person that calls a Rottweiller God “chuckles the parrot.


038:
While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I returned the
following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat. My brother seemed
upset. "I don't know how to tell you but the cat died on Thursday" he said.
I was mortified and shouted at him " You could have found a better way to tell me
that the cat was dead". You should have told me that she fell off the roof and
although the vet did his best, the injuries were too great." I guess you're right"
agreed my brother "it was a bit unsensitive of me".
"Thats okay" I replied.
"How is mother by the way", I enquired
My brother retorted "She fell off the roof"