Restaurant Jokes

Restaurant Jokes are based on the interactions between the customer and the waiter in a restaurant and are funny, hilarious and are often sarcastic.


001.
My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I surprised everyone there by
ordering in French. It was an Italian restaurant.


002.
My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I said to the waiter "This
chicken is stone cold". "It should be" he replied "It has been dead for over a
week.


003.
My wife and I went for a meal last week and I said to the waiter "Did you know
that this chicken has got one leg longer than the other?" The waiter replied "Do
you want to eat it or have a dance with it?".


004.
I was in a restaurant last week and the waiter asked me for my order. "Can you tell me how you prepare the chickens "I asked. " Nothing fancy, Sir" replied the waiter "We simply tell them they are going to die".


005.
A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots the man sliding
under the table whilst the woman seeming totally unconcerned.
As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went across and quietly whispered to the woman "Excuse me but your husband has just slid under your table".
"Oh no he hasn't" said the woman " He has just walked in."




006.
A man goes into a restaurant and asks "Do you serve crab"
"As long as it is correctly dressed sir, we do" replied the waiter.


007.
A man went into a restaurant and asked "Do you serve lobsters?" The waiter replied " If it can pay we will sir".


008.
My brother went for a meal with a Chess fanatic the other day. There was a
checked tablecloth where they ate. Do you know it took three hours for him to
pass my brother the salt.


009.
I went to a restaurant last week and just as my soup arrived, I needed the toilet. To
make sure that no-one tampered with it, I wrote on my napkin "I have spit in this
soup". On my return I noticed that the waiter had written on the napkin "that's
Okay, so have I".


010.
I went into a restaurant the other day and ordered fish and chips. Twenty five
minutes later, a rather rotund waitress came to my table and said "Sorry about the
weight "I replied "it's not your fault, try and cut down on your food intake."


011.
Bob to Nancy "Did I tell you about that brilliant restaurant that has just been
discovered on the moon? Nancy to Bob "No, you haven't; what is it like" Bob to Nancy "Amazing cuisine - but no atmosphere.


012.
Customer: Does the band which is playing take requests from customers?
Waiter: Yes sir
Customer: Please ask them to stop playing and go home.


013.
Waiter: These are the best sausages we have had in years.
Customer: Then give me one made more recently.


014.
Customer: There is a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Oh my! It’s usually a cockroach.


015.
Husband to wife: Are you sure you are going to eat that one foot steak alone?
Wife: No, I ordered some coffee as well.


016.
Customer went to India for a tour and asked in a hotel: Can I have "Arul Jodi" please?
Waiter: Where did you see that sir?
Customer: In the menu
Waiter: That is the name of the hotel owner sir.


017.
Waiter: You know there are no mice at our hotel.
Customer: Why, is your hotel so clean and well maintained?
Waiter: No sir, the food is so bad.


018.
Customer: Waiter, there is only one piece of a sandwich in my plate.
Waiter: Wait sir; let me cut it in to two.


019.
Customer: Do you want me to wait here till I die of thirst and starvation?
Waiter: No sir, we usually close at nine o' clock.


020.
Customer in an Indian hotel: Can I have a parota please?
Waiter: What else would you like to have along with it sir?
Customer: If possible a hammer and a chisel. The one you gave last week was so hard.


021.
Two men were having dinner at a hotel.
Man 1: Can you give a clean glass please? The one I got yesterday was dirty and greasy.
After sometime the waiter came back and said: Which one of you ordered a clean glass?


022.
Customer: I demand the chef who cooked this tasteless food to be thrown out.
Waiter: But sir, he has been cooking since he was twelve years old.
Customer: Why did you wait until now to sell them?


023.
Customer: Waiter! why the hell does this coffee taste like fresh mud?
Waiter: It was ground just a minute ago sir.


024.
Customer: Waiter, can I have a coffee without milk please?
Waiter: Sorry sir, we are out of milk. Instead, can you have coffee without sugar?


025.
Customer: Waiter, what is this cockroach doing in my chicken soup?
Waiter: Backstroke I think sir.


026.
Two men drinking in a bar were boasting of how much control they had over their wives. The first man said, "I once beat my wife so badly that she started crawling on her knees and hands towards me"
The second man said, "wow! that is great".
The first man said, "Then she asked me to come out from under the bed".


027.
A man walks into a roof top bar of a 40 storied building, drinks heavily and jumps down from the top. Then he comes back after 5 minutes, drinks heavily and jumps down again. He does this for a couple of times till the bartender asks him, "Wow, how on earth do you manage that?"


028.
The man replaied,"After you drink, your body becomes heated up and because of this the air inside becomes lighter. So you can just float down from the top to the pavement because your body is lighter when you are drunk".


029.
The bartender decided to try this out, gets drunk and jumps off the top of the building but lands on his face on the pavement below. Bruised and angry he says to the man, "Superman, you really talk gibberish after you get drunk".


030.
A chimpanzee went into a bar the other week and ordered a pint of beer. The
barman served him the drink and said "That's £8 please". As the chimpanzee is
giving him the cash, the bartender says "Do you know, it’s not often we get
chimpanzees in here". "I’m not surprised at these prices" replied the chimpanzee.



031.
One man chatting to another in a bar. The first man said " On a business trip last
week, I had a gorgeous young lady knocking on my l bedroom door all night".
"Wow" you lucky bloke" said the second man. " Not really, I was forced to let
her out eventually".


032.
Bob and Harry were in a bar. Harry says "Sorry I'm late. I've just returned from a
pleasure trip. "Oh where have you been?" asked Bob. "Just dropped the wife off
at the airport".


033.
I had a bad argument in a bar the other day with a very large bloke who said that he would wipe the floor with my face. I toild him that wasn't a good idea. When he asked why I replied " You will never get into the corners properly".


034.
An attractive woman approached a man in a bar and whispered in his ear. "£50 and
I will do anything you wish". He peels off two twenties and a ten, hands over the
money to her and says "Right, go and paint my house".


035.
A man went into a bar and on his shoulder was perched a chunk of asphalt. He said to
the barman " A pint of beer for me and one for the road".


036.
Two friends are talking in a pub and one of them is not too bright. He says " You would never find me taking a holiday in the USA". "Why not?" said the second man. " Well they all drive on the other side of the road to here", he replied. "Why is that a problem?" said the second man. "Well, I tried it driving around town yesterday and it was awful". Replied the first man.


037.
A man sits in a bar just staring at his drink for about twenty minutes. A big guy
comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The man starts to cry.
The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing about and offers to
replace his drink. "That's not the problem" said the man "What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn't go off so I was late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn't there - someone had nicked it . When I got home, I realised that I must have dropped my wallet on the bus - all my money - gone. I then go upstairs to
find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she's left me. And, just when I
think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide.


038.
My friend and I were in the pub and decided to have a friendly game of darts. He
said "the person nearest the bull starts" I replied "Where are we going to get one
of those at this time of night."


039.
"I lost my credit card three weeks ago but haven't reported it" said Joe to his
mate in the pub. "Why not" asked the friend. "Well, the thief is not spending as much as my wife did" he replied.


040.
A man walks into a bar with tiger and they proceed to drink so much that the tiger
passes out and falls to the floor. As the man is leaving, the barman shouts to him
"Hey, you can't leave that lying there". The man replies "I know 'im drunk but
even I can see that it is a tiger not a lion'.


041.
A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman £50 that the dog can
answer his question. So the man says "what do you call the top of a building"? The
dog replies "roof". The barman says "I’m not paying for that" so the man says
"Okay double or nothing" and asks the dog "Who is the best baseball player of all
time" The dog replies "Ruth". "That’s enough "says the barman who picks them
both up and throws them out of the bar. As they hit the ground, the dog turns to his
owner and says "or maybe DiMaggio".