Funny Doctor Jokes

Funny Doctor Jokes are the funniest jokes about bumbling nurses, silly patients and forgetful doctors. This is a category of joke that most will be able to associate with.
Doctor Jokes are universal in the sense anyone can understand the essence of the joke without it being too regional. Some of these doctor jokes are really funny and hilarious; just enjoy reading these comedy jokes.


001.
A woman visited a Doctor.
Woman: Doctor, I have a problem. I am...
Doctor: I know your problem. You always dream that you have become a horse, right?
Woman: How do you know?!
Doctor: Your pony tail hair style.


002.
Mr. Jones: Doctor, my son is having a problem.
He plugged up his ear and nose with chilies. Now he is screaming.
Doctor: That means he is not eating properly.


003.
Doctor: Here is the medicine. Take four spoons daily.
Patient: But I don’t have four spoons in house. Do I have to buy one?


004.
Two friends run to a doctor, one of them said,
'Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a marble. Please get it out from my stomach.'
Doctor: Yes sure, but why your friend is here?
Boy: Because it’s his marble.


005.
Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.




006.
Patient: Doctor, give me a medicine which will change my mood to an angry mood.
Doctor: You don’t need any medicine. One of my slaps will be enough.


007.
Patient: Doctor, I can’t breathe perfectly.
Doctor: Don’t worry, I will stop it permanently.


008.
Patient: You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer?
Doctor: No, why do you think that?
Patient: Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer.
Doctor: Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria.


009.
Doctor: The payment check you gave me has bounced back from the bank.
Patient: Because the disease you cured before had returned as well.


010.
Doctor: Mr. Jones, I have two news for you. One is good and the other one is bad. Which one you want to hear first?
Mr. Jones: tell me the bad one.
Doctor: The bad news is, both your legs have to be removed.
Mr. Jones: And the good news?
Doctor: I will buy all your shoes cheaply.


011.
A busy dentist and a patient:
Patient: Doctor, my teeth...
Doctor: I know what to do. Open your mouth.
When the patient opened his mouth and the dentist pulled three of his front teeth.
Patient: What have you done?!
Doctor: Its weird, I pulled three of your teeth without any bleeding.
Patient: Those were fake teeth.


012.
Operation successful!! You can hear everything from now.
Did you say something?


013.
Once a man ran to the Doctor,'
My wife accidentally drank some petrol. Now she is running in the house. What should I do?'
Doctor smiled, 'Lock all the doors and windows in the house. She will stop when the petrol is over.'


014.
Doctor to patient: You lost your memory so I want the payment in advance now.


015.
Patient: I will be fine after the operation, right?
Doctor: yes. But the operation is very complicated. Nine out of ten people die after this operation.
Patient: What? Then how come you are getting sure about my safety?
Doctor: Maybe you are the luckiest tenth person.


016.
Medicine shop:
Buyer: Do you sell this medicine?
Seller: Yes.
Buyer: It’s fake and poisonous.
Seller: But nobody complained about it before.
Buyer: How can dead people complain?


017.
In the operation theatre:
Patient: Doctor, please do the operation safely. This is my first operation.
Doctor: It’s my first operation too.


018.
Doctor!!
What happened?
I have fever.
Ok, go back to your home; take a bath with ice cold water, then lie under fan for 12 hours without any clothes. Come back tomorrow.
I will be fine then?
No. you will get Pneumonia.
What?
Don’t worry. I am only a Pneumonia specialist.


019.
Patient: Doctor, I am having a strange dream these days. I dream that I have become a crow. What should I do?
Doctor: It’s easy. Start eating garbage.


020.
'Dr. Smith is checking a little boy named Tom.
Placing the stethoscope he said,
'Naughty boy, now take a long breath and say Five, three times.'
Tom is great at math. He always gets 100 out of 100. He said quickly, 'Doctor, its 15!!'


021.
Nurse: You can book an appointment with the doctor only next week by paying 200$. He is in high demand now.
Patient: But I might be dead by then.
Nurse: Oh, don't worry. We will refund 50 percent of the advance if you cancel the appointment.


022.
Dentist: Stop screaming, I haven't even started pulling out your teeth.
Patient: Yes, but can you please get off my foot.


023.
Doctor: From the look of your eyes, it appears as if you are suffering from cataract and also jaundice.
Patient: You are looking at my glass eye. Please look in to the other one.


024.
Doctor: You would have almost been dead if not for your regular workouts which helped you keep fit.
Patient: Okay doctor, but please remember this when making the bill.


025.
Patient to psychiatrist: I am having lots of hallucinations.
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, you are just imagining it.


026.
Salesman enters the dentist's office and said: I want to rent advertising space on your ceiling.


027.
Wife: Doctor, my husband thinks that he is a dog.
Doctor: That's no problem. Ask him to come over here and sit on the couch.
Husband: But I am not allowed to.


028.
Kid: Doctor, when I get well will I be able to play the guitar?
Doctor: Yes, of course.
Kid: That's cool. I have never played the guitar before.


029.
Doctor to his overweight patient: "What is the least you have ever weighed?"
Patient: 7 pounds and 2 ounces, when I was born.


030.
A patient parked his new luxury car outside the clinic and entered the doctor's office. He said, "Thanks doctor for the treatment"
Doctor: 'But you are not my patient".
Patient: "Yes, but my late grandfather was".


031.
Patient: I am very nervous, this is my first operation.
Doctor: Same pinch!


032.
The doctor finally found a cure for short term amnesia but forgot what it was.


033.
Doctor: Tell me your medical history completely to me. To begin with, you can start by telling me if you pay your medical bills promptly.


034.
Nurse: Why are you sad today doctor?
Doctor: The patient I operated today afternoon died.
Nurse: Doctor, you didnt operate the patient today afternoon. You did a post mortem.
Doctor: Then who was the guy on whom I did a post mortem today morning?


035.
NURSE GIRL—"Oh, ma'am, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down the well!"
FOND PARENT—"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and get the last number of The Modern Mother's Magazine; it contains an article on 'How to Bring Up Children.'"


036.
What is the difference between Doctors and Lawyers?
Because of mistakes Lawyers make, someone might end up hanging 6 feet above.
Because of the mistakes Doctors make, someone might end up buried 6 feet below.


037.
Doctor: I have some bad news and worse news.
Patient: Whats is it doc?
Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh my God!
Doctor: The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable.


038.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A garlic a day.... keeps everyone away!


039.
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temparature
Nurse: No, I didnt take it. Is it missing?


040.
3 Things you must not hear the Doctor speak in an operation theatre.
1) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this?
2) Now where is Page 5 of this manual?
3) Shoo shoo black dog, come away with that piece, thats not your food.


041.
Doctor: Dont worry your health is fine. You'll live to be ninety.
Patient: But, doctor, I already ninety years old right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.


042.
Patient: Doctor, I am having problems hearing with my right ear.
Doctor: What! You are suffering from fever for 5 days?


043.
Lady: My son swallowed the can opener doctor!
Doctor: Don't worry. He'll be alright.
Lady: But how do I open the can of pickles? I need to have my lunch.


044.
Doctor: There are more than five hundred bones in the human body.
Patient: Ssshh Doctor! There are more than five dogs outside.


045.
Why did the doctor learn art?
Answer: IN order to learn how to draw blood.


046.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need to get my eyes checked up.
Man: You certainly need do. This is a restaurant.


047.
Doctor: How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?
Nurse: A basketball coach?


048.
Doctor: You are suffering from depression. Dont keep anything with you that worries you a lot.
Patient: Ok doc, I just threw away your 'doctor charges' bill.


049.
Lady: Doctor, my husband is speaking in his sleep.
Doctor: Just allow him to speak to you during the day, he will become alright.


050.
Patient: Why are you checking my eyes while its my foot which is injured?
Doctor: I wanted to know what happened to your eyes when you left your foot inside the gutter.


051.
Doctor: What? Your 'eyes' got a cold?
Patient: Yes doctor, I was wearing a cooling glass.


052.
Patient: Your are a lucky guy doctor.
Doctor: How am I lucky?
Patient: If you got a disease you neednt perform operation on yourself.


053.
Patient: Doctor, I have went around the town but still I am not able to get the medicines you prescribed.
Doctor: So it was you who took my scribble pad!


054.
My brother went to see the doctor last week and the doctor asked him to go over to the window and stick out his tongue. When she asked why the doctor replied "Because I hate that woman who lives across the street.”


055.
My wife went to the doctor last week and he told her to lie down on the couch.
"Why?" she asked "Because I want to clean the floor" replied the doctor.


056.
The doctor examined my wife and told her that she only had 4 minutes to live. “Can you give me anything doctor" she asked. The doctor replied "How about a boiled egg?”


057.
A man went to the doctors and was told that he only had 3 months left to live. He
was unable to settle his medical bill so the doctor gave him another 3 months.


058.
My Grandpa went to the doctor for an examination and the doctor said
“Everything’s fine. You should live to be 65". "But I'm 66" said my Grandpa
"See" said the doctor “told you so".


059.
I went to see the doctor last week and he said to me "Mr Smith, I haven't seen you for
ages". "I know" I replied "I've not been well".


060.
A man went to the doctor and said “Doctor I've injured my arm in two places". The
Doctor replied "Well don't back to those two places again".


061.
My brother went to see the Doctor last week and was told "You should go to Brighton, its brilliant for a cold. So he went ... and got one.


062.
My eccentric aunt went to see the doctor with some custard in one ear and some jelly in the other ear. "What appears to be the trouble Mrs. Jackson" asked the doctor.
"Speak up doc" said my Aunt "I'm a trifle deaf.


063.
Question: Why is that Doctors always seem to know exactly what is wrong with you?
Answer: They have a sick sense.


064.
A Doctor asks his female patient "Would you say that you were sexually active?" "No" she replied " I usually just lie there".


065.
A plumber mended a leak at the doctor’s house. The two minute job cost £200. "I
don't charge that much and I am a doctor".
"Neither did I when I was one" said the man "that's why I became a plumber".


066.
My sister went to the doctor complaining of a bad back. The Doctor examined her and
said "It's just down to old age". My sister said that she wanted a second opinion "Okay" said the doctor " you are quite ugly as well".


067.
A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him " Has your
injury affected your memory since I saw you last?" "It has" replied the man.
"How?" quizzed the doctor. "I keep forgetting things"
"Can you tell me an instance of something that you can't remember."


068.
I asked my Doctor the other day "Do you think that I should have a child after
38?" The Doctor replied " No, 38 children are more than enough.


069.
My wife went to the doctor last week and asked "I am 4 months pregnant, when do you think the baby will move"? The Doctor replied "If you are lucky, as soon as she finishes college.


070.
I went to see the doctor last week and asked "Our baby boy was born a couple of
weeks ago. When do you think that my wife will start to act and feel normal
again?" The doctor turned to me and said " Hopefully, as soon as he goes to college.


071.
A man goes to the doctor and says "Help me doctor, I can’t help stealing things"?
"Okay, take these pills twice a day for a week" replied the doctor. "But what if
they don’t work" said the man
"Then get me a 42 inch plasma television".


072.
My brother went to see his doctor last week and said to him "Lapels frighten me".
The doctor replied instantly "I know what the problem is – you’ve got cholera".


073.
A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist was taking
down some details. " What is your age Mr. Jones" she enquired. "I'm not telling
you" came the reply. "We need to know for our records" said the receptionist
sternly. "Okay take the number 26 and double it and then add 14" said Mr. Jones".
"That equals 66" said the receptionist. "Now take 66 away from that figure and wat do you have" Mr. Jones retorted. "Zero" said the receptionist looking rather puzzled.
"Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you know my age".


074.
After a consult, the doctor says:
I’ve got good news misses Darwin
Miss Darwin....
Oh...Then I have bad news Miss Darwin...


075.
A guy goes to the cardiologist.
“Is it serious doctor?”
“Yes it is, but if I cannot help you I am sure my father will.”
“Oh, that means he is a doctor too!”
“No he is not! He is a priest!”


076.
Doc, What sickness did you say I have? Taurus, Aries, Libra?
No! Cancer!


077.
A man goes to the doctor one day with insomnia.
Doc, I can’t sleep at all!
Well I have exactly the cure for you! You go home and drink scotch until you fall asleep.
And what if I won’t be able to sleep this way either?
After so many glasses of scotch do you think you’ll still care?


078.
A woman goes at the doctor:
Doc, please help me I’ve tried everything, but I can’t get pregnant.
It may be a hereditary problem! Did your mother have kids?


079.
In a chemistry lab, the doctor asks his assistant:
Please give me the sulphuric acid bottle
It’s empty sir,
Damn! They drank my scotch again!


080.
Hey Doc! I think I sleep talk!
What makes you think that?
I wake up hoarse every morning


081.
Doctors are of three kinds:
Interns: they know a lot but do very little
Surgeons: they know very little but do a lot
Hygienists: they don’t do anything, but don’t let the others work either.