Miscellaneous Jokes

Miscellaneous Jokes are jokes which dont fall in any other category or belongs to muliple categories, but yet are humorous and funny to read.


001.
Billy was driving along a country lane the other day when a man in a car driving in the opposite direction wound his window down and shouted "Pig". Billy thought "How rude" just as his car hit the pig.


002.
The newscaster said on his final bulletin before retiring on T.V. last evening "The Prime Minister had a meeting with his new cabinet earlier today - before having an argument with a chest of drawers and a heated conversation with a bookcase


003.
Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met by a genie
who said "As you return back down , whatever you shout, you will land into".
First man goes " Beeeer" as he descends. "Braaandy" shouted the second man.
The third man quite excitedely shouted "Weeeeeeeeeeee".


004.
I went into our local music shop the other day and bought an expensive mouth organ.
The shop assistant commented "Do you know, we haven't sold any of these for months, and this is the second one I have sold today". "Oh" I replied " That would have been our Monica.


005.
A man meets a young boy in the park and asks him his name. The boy answers " seven and three quarters". Puzzled, the man asked why he had been given such an unusual name by his parents. The boy replied "Don't know, I think that they just plucked it out of a hat.




006.
A British Army Officer was walking along when he came across a man without any legs or arms sat on the sidewalk with a sign saying "Falkland War Veteran". Disgusted at how his country had treated its veterans, he gave the man two £50 notes to which the man replied "Muchas gracias, senor.


007.
Three old men, all with hearing difficulties, were sat on a park bench. One remarked
"Isn't it windy today?" "No it's Thursday" said the second. "I am as well. Let's go to the pub for a beer.


008.
My friend sent me a weird text the other day. It said " Have been arrested and they are
charging me as being world's ugliest man - come down to station at once and prove
them wrong".


009.
A friend of mine is really lazy and also thrifty with his cash. The other day, rather than spend £3 having his best shirt dry cleaned, he donated it to the local charity shop. They laundered it and placed it on a coat hanger in the shop. The following morning, he went in a bought it back for 50 pence.


010.
A pretty young woman approaches the man behind the fabric counter and asks how
much some material costs. "One kiss per metre" came the reply. "Okay, I will take
five metres".
The man in anticipation quickly measured, wrapped the material and handed it to the
young woman who seized the package and pointed to the little old lady eside her and
said "Grandma's paying the bill.


011.
The woman on the telephone enquired "What time in the morning will the library
open?". "8.30.a.m." was the reply "I'm sorry, but why are you calling in the middle
of the night asking such a question? Are you that desperate to get it?"
"No" came the reply " I'm desperate to get out".



012.
Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said "But how did you know that your
husband was drunk?" "He tried putting his pin number into the microwave" replied
the other woman.


013.
A french woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was staying in New York
and asked if room service could send her up some pepper to her room.
"Is that black pepper or white paper" asked the receptionist.
"Neither, I want toilet pepper". came her reply.


014.
If your cup is half full, you are said to be an optomist but if it is half empty, you
are said to be a pessimist. If you are an engineer, however, your cup is twice as
large as it should have been in the first place.


015.
I went to my local butcher yesterday and I bet him £500 that he couldn't reach the
meat on his top shelf. He replied "I can't accept that bet, the stakes are far too
high".


016.
I went to buy some shoes last week and tried on a pair of loafers. The assistant
asked if everything was okay. "They are a little too tight" I replied. "Try them
with the tongue out" she said. I blobbed out my tongue and said "Nah, they are
still too tight".


017.
I was walking home the other evening when I was attacked by a mugger. I fought
for all my worth but the mugger was stronger and had me pinned down to the
ground, rifled through my pockets only to find a single 50 pence coin. "Why did
you put up such a struggle for a measly 50 pence" "Oh, I thought you wanted the
£100 I've hidden in my sock" I replied.


018.
I telephoned the Police the other day but dialled the wrong number and got
through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes I hung up the phone – the
woman was just going on and on.


019.
Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot suddenly
broke into hysterical laughter. "What is so funny"? asked the passenger.
The pilot replied " I was just thinking what the governor of the asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped".


020.
I was walking past the lunatic asylum the other day when I heard a female voice
groaning repeatedly "22 22 22 22". Looked in through a gap in the wall and she
poked me in the eye with a stick. As I was walking away clutching my eye I heard
her groan "23 23 23 23".


021.
I was travelling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached I
tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly,
lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted
the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post.
"Don't ever do that again" said the driver. I apologised saying that I didn't realise
that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the extent it had. "It's not
really your fault I suppose" the taxi driver lamented "it's my first day as a taxi
driver: I've spent the last fifteen years driving a funeral van."