Family Jokes

Family Jokes are funny instances and conversations that occur between family members and there are some well known cliches too.


001.
My cousin went into our local video shop again and asked "I want to take out Batman Forever".
The female assistant replied "Sorry, you have to return it by Wednesday".


002.
My father gave me sound advice when I was growing up. He told me to never
lend money from an optomist as they will expect you to pay them back.



003.
My father gave me some sound advice when I was growing up. He told me that I
should never hit someone with glasses. A baseball bat does the job much better.


004.
Mother telephones her son “Your sister gave birth last week but I don’t know if she had a girl or a boy so I can’t tell you yet whether you are an auntie or an uncle.


005.
Mother telephones her son Your Grandfather fell into a vat of brandy and drowned.
It took four days to cremate him”.




006.
My cousin Jenny went into the local video shop last week and said I want to take
out Jerry Maguire. The female assistant replied I want to marry Brad Pitt


007.
A father was speaking to his lazy son and says "I'm ashamed of your laziness. Do you
know that Barak Omaba walked 5 miles each day to go to school when he was about
your age?". The son replied "Yes and he was President of the U.S.A. when he was
around yours.


008.
My wife witnessed an accident the other day and telephoned the emergency
services. "Where are you" asked the operator. " Tricloroethane Drive" she replied.
"Can you spell that that for me?" asked the operator.
"Hang on" said my wife "I'll just get someone to push the car round the corner to
Don Street".


009.
A new Police cadet was taking their entrance exam and question one was " If you
were told that you needed to arrest your own mother, what is the first thing that
you would do?". She pondered for a moment and wrote down " Call for back-up".


010.
The following is a letter from a son at boarding school to his father.
Dear Dad
$chool is ace. I have made lot$ of new friends -$imon $tephen and $tanley. I really can't think of any $tuff that I need just now. If it i$ okay with you though, $end me a note or letter a$ it would be $o $o nice to hear from you
Your loving $on

The reply came
Hello Son
I kNOw that EcoNOmics, oceaNOgraphy and AstrNOmy are more than eNOugh to keep you busy. The pursuit of kNOwlege is a NOble and hoNOurable task so you can never do eNOugh studying.
Take care hope you have enjoyed receiving my NOte.
Love Dad


011.
My little brother's marks at school were pretty bad and one day surprised the teacher when he announced " Not wanting to frighten you Miss but my Dad reckons if my grades don't improve, someone's going to get spanked.


012.
Auntie Gertie gave Bernice a surprise £20 for her birthday asking her what she would spend it on. "I'm going to give it to Jesus at Sunday school". she replied. "I bet he'll be
surprised at getting more than 50 pence like I was.


013.
A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One goes to an
Egyptian family and called Amal. The second child goes to Spain and is called Juan.
Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo of himself. She turns to her sister
saying that she wished that she had a photo of her other son.
The sister responded "Hey, they are identical twins. If you have seen Juan, you have
seen Amal."


014.
I asked my ten year old nephew the other day "Billy, what do you think it would take to make marriage work? "Well, I'd tell my wife she looked lovely even if she looked like a bus". he said.


015.
Isn't parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in the evening,
you call the babysitter at least 5 times. When you have the second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to with the babysitter.
When the thrd child arrives, you leave strict instructions that the babysitter only
calls you if there is blood.


016.
Ask any father and he will say that they spent the first 18 months to 2 years
trying like mad to get their daughter to speak and the next sixteen years trying to
make them shut up.
My daughter who was about five years of age was having trouble understanding what marriage was all about. I got out the wedding album to see if showing her through pictures would help whilst explaining the service to her.
When we had finished, I asked her if she had questions. She replied "I
understand now. That's the day that Mummy started to work for you and me
isn't it, Daddy?".


017.
A mother asked her son to go and get a pizza for the family supper. She gave him some money and a £2 discount voucher. When he returned with the pizza, he still had the coupon. When his mother asked for his explanation he said "Didn't need the coupon as there was enough money without it".


018.
1. Are you certain there isn't another one to come out?
2. Any chance that the baby will arrive before the Wedneday night soccer begins?
3. The kids have just phoned. They wanted to know what you had got planned for their supper.


019.
Little Billy was on his way back from market with a box of melons which his
father had asked him to pick up for him when suddenly, his cart hit a stone and the
crate broke open. Melons flew everywhere but Billy was determined not to let his father down and made sure that he picked up every last melon that he could see. He feared that some were lost and that his father would be disappointed in him.
"Sorry father, the crate broke and the melons went everywhere" confessed Billy "
but I did manage to retrieve ten of them".
"Good boy" chuckled his father " I only bought a crate of seven"


020.
A young boy says to his dad "Dad, how much does getting married cost?". "No
idea son: I haven't finished paying for it yet.


021.
My young son was overjoyed to receive a water pistol from his Grandma for his
birthday. He rushed to the kitchen to fill it.
"Mother, you surprise me ". Do you not remember how Timmy and I drove you
mad with water pistols when we were kids?".
"Oh I remember, darling" she said with a huge smile on her face


022.
Janet has six children and although they sometimes look a bit ragged, they always
seem to manage to be on time for chor on Sunday morning.
Bernice, with only one child, is puzzled how she manages all six so effectively.
Janet told her " It is very simple. I get them ready on Saturday night".


023.
Billy was having trouble with his mathematics homework do his mum thought
how best to help him. She said to him " If you went into the left pocket of your
trousers and took out 40 pence then took another 35 pence out of your right
trouser pocket, what do you think you would have".
Billy replied " Someone elses trousers on because I'm broke.


024.
A brother and sister were having an argument and neither were willing to concede.
The sister said " Barry, I will admit that I am in the wrong as long as you admit
that I am in the right".
He was in agreement and asked her to go first with the admission. "I am totally in
the wrong" she said.
Barry, with a little glint in his eye gave her a little wink and said " You're right".


025.
My dad gave me this advice "Son, there are a couple of times in a man's life
when he does not understand a woman" "What are they" I enquired. "Before
marriage and also after marriage".


026.
As my Grandpa gets older, his memory is not quite what it was. Only the other day he asked me "You know your younger sister, the twenty two year old, what is her age?"


027.
My brother's fiance’s father asked him the other day if he would be able to support
a family in the future. He replied " No sir, I had planned on supporting just your
daughter; the others in the family will have to sort themselves out".