Office Jokes

Office Jokes are about hard taskmaster bosses, lazy employees and all the usual cliches associated to offices like work timings, promotions, leaves and sleeping.


001.
At my annual appraisal at work, my boss commented you give 100 per cent commitment every week. I was really pleased until he continued "15% Monday, 20% Tuesday, 35% Wednesday, 25% Thursday and 5% Friday.


002.
My boss called me into his office the other day and asked why I had failed to finish a particular job on time. I said to him " You know where the train stops?"
"Yes the train station" he replied "And you know where the bus stops"?. "Yes " the bus station but I fail to see.... "Well" I interupted " You know I have a workstation ........
My boss told me the other day that I must love my work because he reckons that I can just sit looking at it for ages


003.
A Company director was giving a speech to thank Bert for his 38 years service. He said "Bert is a man who doesn't know the meaning of words like lunch break or impossible task. This is why we have all put in to buy him a dictionary as a
leaving present.


004.
Driving home one evening, my boss called me and informed me that he had
promoted me. The surprise caused me to swerve the car. A few minutes later, he
called again to say that he was making me vice-president of the company. The
shock caused me to swerve the car more than previously. A further five minutes
on, he calls me again to say that he wants me to become president. The shock
causes me to completely lose control of the car and I hit a lamp post.
When the police arrived and asked what caused the accident I replied "Don’t
know, I just careered off the road".


005.
My boss called me into his office the other day and asked me if I believed that
there was life after death.
I replied "Yes, I think that there is".
" I thought so " said my boss "Because yesterday, minutes after you took the
afternoon off to attend your Grandpa's funeral, he popped by to see you".




006.
“Garry, It’s the 5th time you’re late to work this week!”, blasted the Boss, ”Do you know what that means?”
“Probably that it’s Friday..?”


007.
Two men are waiting to served in the bank when suddenly armed robbers rush in.
Some of the robbers have tellers filling bags with cash whilst some others line
customers up and start to take their watches, wallets etc.
In the panic, one of the men puts something into the other man's hand.
"What is it?" asked the first man
"It's that £100 I owe you" replied the second man.


008.
A Police Officer is questioning a Bank Manager and asks if he can describe the bank
cashier. The Bank Manager replies "Well, she is about 5 feet 4 inches tall and £150,000 short.


009.
A mother decided that her young 11 year old daughter should open her own bank
account. "As it will be your account, I think that you should complete the
application form" said the mother. The daughter was doing really well but was puzzled when she came to where it said 'Name of previous bank'. She pondered for a second and when wrote 'Piggy'


010.
A woman went into a bank in London wishing to loan £3,000 for one month.
The loan officer said that he would require collateral.
The woman says "I have a Ferrari; here are a set of keys.Keep it until I repay the
loan". The loan is authorised and the ferrari driven away for safe keeping.
The woman returns one month weeks later, pays the £3,000 loan together with
£20 interest and the car is returned to her.
Clearly puzzled, the loan officer says to her "With respect, madam, I don't
understand why someone like you who owns a ferrari would need to borrow
£3,000". "Well" she replied "I needed to go to the United States for 4 weeks and tell me, where in London can you store a Ferrari for £20 a month?".


011.
A banker was recently arrested having embezzled £80,000 for his son's
University education The arresting police officer, who had also a son at
University said as he was putting the handcuffs on him. "One question puzzles
me "he said "Where was the remainder of the money you need coming from?".


012.
I applied for a job with a building society the other day. I studiously completed the
application form and gave it to the Manager, who read through it and when he had
finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"
"Great" I replied. "It’s called the door" he said sternly "Now get out".


013.
The customer service at my local bank is so bad that yesterday, when I went and
asked the bank teller if he would check my balance, he pushed me over and said
"not very good, is it?".


014.
My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day saying that I given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on what she meant she said " It was you that said to put all my money into that particular bank and now it has troubles".
"You must be mistaken" I told her "It's one of the biggest in the county".
"Well why have they just sent back of of my cheques with a note that says 'Insufficient funds'.