Jokes that are short, funny & hilarious

Jokes that are short, funny & hilarious


001.
Question: If you catch it, you will throw it away. If you don't catch it, you will keep it. What is it?
Answer: Lice


002.
Dad's writes on son's Facebook wall:
"Dear Son, How are you? All are fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF THE COMPUTER & COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!


003.
Why shouldn't you hold a DVD upside down?
Because the data might fall down.


004.
Santa to Banta: I don't have an internet connection at home. Can you please copy the internet on this pen drive for me?


005.
Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day




006.
Man 1: My son is not listening to anything I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.


007.
What do you call a deeply burnt food item in your lunch that is not recogonizable?
UFO: Unidentified Fried Object.


008.
Girl 1: Oh I am doomed! That's my husband coming with my lover!
Girl 2: I was about to say the same-thing too!


009.
Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.


010.
Ponderism:
Before going to sleep you can say Good Night.
But before waking up can you say Good Morning?


011.
My brother is a terrible musician. The other day he asked my sister if she had heard his last recital.
She replied: "I certainly hope so".


012.
Man 1: After buying this new hearing aid, I am able to hear something two blocks away.
Man 2: Cool, how much did it cost?
Man 1: The time is three past ten.


013.
Lady 1: My son is very well behaved.
Lady 2: How can you say that? Wasn't he arrested and imprisoned for 5 years.
Lady 1: Yes, but he got out after 2 years for good behavior inside the jail.


014.
Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.


015.
A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot – what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".


016.
Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.


017.
Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.


018.
Patient to his friend: The nurse in this hospital is really wonderful. She touched me and my fever got cured immediately.
Friend: Yeah, I could hear her touch your cheek in the next room.


019.
Friend 1: Is it true that your wife talks to herself when she is alone?
Friend 2: I don't know. I wasn't with her when she was alone.


020.
Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in.
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get an headache.


021.
Wife to her husband: Wake up. Some thieves have broken into our house. I think they are now eating the food I made last night.
Husband: Oh! Let's better call the ambulance then.


022.
My wife always told me that if I wanted breakfast in bed, then I would have to sleep in the kitchen


023.
Husband: Do you know that John who lives next door has two girlfriends unknown to wife.
Wife: Who is the other one?


024.
Teacher: "Amy, what do you call the outside of a tree?"
Student: "No idea miss"
Teacher told angrily: "Bark, Amy".
Amy: "Bow Wow Wow Miss"


025.
Teacher: How many letters are there totally in "A.B.C.D"?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just "A.B.C.D"
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26.


026.
Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something that I didn't do.
Mother: That's very bad of your teacher. What was it that you didn't do?
Girl: The homework.


027.
Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery


028.
Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.


029.
Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.


030.
My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".


031.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!


032.
A man in a hotel: Waiter, there is a dead fly in my bean soup.
Waiter: Oh, the hot soup must have killed it sir.


033.
Customer in a hotel: Waiter, this soup tastes funny!
Waiter: Oh!, the chef must have been laughing when he prepared it sir.


034.
Two men were chatting in a bar. One says "Where are you from?".
Second man replies "I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition".
"Alright" says the first man, "Where are you from idiot?"


035.
Man1: Your kid just looks like you.
Man2: Shhh, not so loud. That's the next door lady's kid.


036.
Man 1: My son does not listen to anything that I say.
Man 2: Is he so adamnant?
Man 1: No, he is deaf.


037.
Two old married men chatting in a bar. First man says " Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?". The second man replied "Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery.


038.
I was talking to my friend Joe the other day and he said "Do you know, I've
loved the same woman now for over 35 years?".
"That’s lovely" I replied. "But if the wife found out, she would murder me".


039.
Two friends were out hunting one day when one collapsed suddenly. His friend
checks for signs breathing but there seems to be none. He calls the emergency
services on his mobile phone. "My friend has died" he sobbed. "What should I
do?" The operator tells him in a calm relaxed voice "First thing is to make sure
that he is actually dead". After a few seconds silence, a loud shot can be heard.
The man returns to his phone and says " Okay what next?".


040.
Two old men were chatting in the park. First man said " My wife puts our wealth
down to the old adage that behind each successful man there is his woman. The
second man said " and mine always said behind a fall of each successful man
there is always someone else's woman".


041.
Two men go into a pub, order their drinks and sit down. Then they each take out some
sandwiches and start to eat them. The barman shouts "Hey, you can't eat your own food here". They look at each other, and with a shrug of their shoulders, swap sandwiches and carry on.



042.
Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says "I've had terrible luck with both of my wives". "How come?" said the second man. "Well" said the first man "My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't."


043.
Two men talking in a pub. First man said " How did you get that black eye?" Second man " My wife hit me and it was all because of television programmes". "I don't understand" said the first man. "Well, she asked me if I knew what was on TV. and I replied - dust".


044.
Two men were chatting in a pub. First man says "What is your wife’s name?".
Her name is Doris but I call her five horses replied the second man.
"Why do you call her that?"
"NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG is all she ever does" he replied.


045.
Two men chatting in a bar. First man says " I can go ten days without sleep".
Second man asks "How can you do that?"
"Easy, I sleep at night" said the first man.


046.
Two male dog owners are bragging about how wonderful their respective hounds are.
First dog owner says "My dog is so clever that he waits by the front door every morning for the delivery boy to put the newspaper through the letterbox and then bring it to me in the kitchen to read whilst I eat breakfast."
"I know" said the second dog owner smugly "my dog told me".


047.
Two country yokels are talking in the pub. First man says "I failed my driving test
last week".
Second man asks "What did you fail on"?
"Road signs" replies the first man. The examiner asked me "What sign do you expect to see when driving down a country lane?".
I replied "Fresh farm eggs – 90 pence a dozen."


048.
Two drunks are in a pub talking.
Man No.1 "I heard that you recently formed a rock group"
Man No.2 "Yup, I’ve formed a quintet"
Man No.1 "How many is that then"?
Man No.2 "Four"
Man No.1 "Four – you sure"?
Man No.2 "Yup – me and my three brothers"
Man No.1 "You have three brothers"?
Man No.2 "Nope , whatever gave you that idea"



049.
Little Johnny asked at camp why is it that a single thrown match will start a forest fire when it takes you a full box to light our campfire?
Little Johnny was watching a baseball game the other day and asked "Daddy, if
winning isn't the be all and end all as you have taught me, then why does anyone
bother keeping score?".


050.
Little Johnny took a note into school that his mother had written for the teacher following a picture that he had drawn of Mummy at work earlier that week. It read as follows:-
Dear Miss Jones,
the picture Johnny drew was not a pole on the stage of a dancing club but of
myself selling a shovel at Walmart. Yours Jenny Smith.


051.
Teacher asked Little Johnny "Are you sure your mother wrote this note?". "Why?" he
asked. "Well, it says that Johnny can't do P.E. today as he is under the doctor. Please execute him.


052.
The teacher asked the class "Does anyone know who built the vessel where animals went in two by two?".Little Johnny raised his hand and said "I can't
remember his name but I know he was an architect


053.
In maths class, the teacher had noticed that, as usual, Little Johnny wasn't paying
attention. She asked him "Johnny, what are 2,4, 8 and 16?
Quick as a flash he replied " CBS,CNN, Movies and the Cartoon Network".


054.
All the children had been photographed in their school uniforms and the head teacher was persuading them all to buy the group picture. "Think about when you are older, you can look at it and reminice " There's Julie, she's now a doctor" or "Look at James, he's an accountant now". Little Johnny at the back is heard to say quietly " And there's Miss, she's dead".


055.
Little Johnny watched as his mother put cream all over her face. "What's that for
Mummy" she asked. "To make Mummy more beautiful" she replied.
A little later as she started to remove the cream, Little Johnny said " You're not giving up already are you?".


056.
Little Johnny asks his Grandfather "Granddad, as you get older, do you find that
you sleep more?" "Yes" replied his Granddad "but it is mainly in the afternoons".


057.
Little Johnnie asks his mum "How many birthdays has Dad had?"
"42" his mum replies. "No he's only had one; the others were anniversaries".


058.
Little Johnny says to his Mum "Do you know what looks just like half an apple?".
She replied "No, what?" "The other half" he chuckled.


059.
Two blondes were sitting at a table in a club, when a guy invites one of them to dance. She asks him:
You are so pale! Why don’t you spend more time in the sun?
I was in jail.
Why?
I killed my wife.
The girl goes back to her friend and says:
I’m so lucky! He’s not married!


060.
Three blondes were stuck in the elevator taking turns to shout “Help, Help”. One of them had an idea:
What if we’d all shout simultaneously?
And then they started taking turns to shout “Simultaneously, Simultaneously!”


061.
Psychologists put blonde women to the test to prove that they are not stupid! They gathered all of them in a classroom and asked:
What is 1+1?
The first one answered 5, and the rest of them started shouting “Give us another chance!”. They asked another one the same question, and this one answered 2. The rest of them started shouting “One more chance, please!”


062.
Why do Blondes have a wonderful singing voice? An empty head enhances them with better acoustics.


063.
Two blondes, a smart one and a dumb one, are standing on the edge of a cliff wanting to jump off at the same time. The question is which of them is going to land first? The dumb blonde because smart blondes are extinct.


064.
Honey, said a blonde to her lover, a friend told me a very good joke today. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of the bed!


065.
A blonde keeps running back and forth on his driveway checking his mail. One day her confused older neighbor asks her why is she doing that so often and the blonde replies: “I don’t understand what’s going on but my computer keeps telling that I’ve got mail!?”


066.
A woman goes to a plastic surgeon one day after an accident:
Doctor, I’ve lost my ears in a terrible accident a month back, could you please attach others?
Sure, I have right now the possibility to attach ones from a blonde woman. Is that alright?
Yes, they’re only ears after all.
Two weeks after the surgery the woman comes back.
What’s wrong miss, can’t you hear?
I hear perfectly, but I don’t understand anything!