One Liners

One Liners are tiny bits of cracking jokes that are hilarious; just the perfect medicine for the otherwise monotonous days. One Liners are crazy, comical and yet funny.


001.
Dear teacher, please excuse me from being absent from January 1, 2010 to December 31, 2010.


002.
The person who can smile in a crisis is someone who has just remembered that
there is someone else to blame.

Many countries have gun controls. But none seem to have idiot controls?

Definition of Hospitality - To make your guests feel as though they were home even if that is where they really wished that they were.

If knowledge as some say is power and if power corrupts, does that mean if you
study really hard that you will be evil.

Why do buses seem to travel at twice the speed when wanting to catch one than
when you are actually riding one?

I read a strange verse in a card the other day. It read " It is so miserable here
without you it is as though you are still with me".

Motto of the Day - If at first you do not succeed, perhaps skydiving is not your ideal choice of pastime.




003.
Don't you find it funny that nowadays you can phone for a pizza quicker than
you can the police

A wise man once said "War will never determine which side was right - only
which side was left.

If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research

Enjoying a clear conscience will usually be the cause of having a really bad
memory.

You need to have the ability to laugh at your own problems because everyone
else will.

Sound advice from a father: Don't ever fight an ugly child because what have
they got to lose?

Which would you prefer to have - artifical intelligence or natural stupidity?


004.
How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink?

Why do physics always ask you for your name?

If the Queen of England is ever asked for id does she just take a £10 note from her purse?


005.
My girlfriend went to a supermarket yesterday and bought a bottle of HP sauce. It will cost her 5p a week for the next 3 months.

My brother went on that new brandy diet. He lost 4 days last week.

Two fish are in a tank. One said to the other "I'll drive, you man the guns".

I got a compliment about my driving yesterday as when I returned to my car, someone had left a message on the windscreen that said "Parking fine".

A strange thing happened at a concert in Bermuda that we went to see when on holiday. The guy playing the triangle just disappeared.


006.
Strange but true - Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?

Love involves having a cuddle on the sofa whereas marriage involves one of you
sleeping on the sofa.

Marriage - the only institution where the man loses a Bachelor's degree and
where the women gains her Masters.

You know it is a hot day when you see farmers giving crushed ice to the chickens
to prevent them from producing hard boiled eggs.

Yesterday I went to our local paper shop. Guess what? It had blown away.

My brother went to the local store the other to buy a pair of camoflague trousers. Guess what? He couldn’t find a pair.


007.
I was wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger. It was then that it hit me.

How come it only cost 8 million dollars for the Titanic to be built but 250 million dollars for a movie to have been made about it.

Don't some children have strange names : Doug Graves, Hazel Nutt, Annette Kirton,
Eileen Dover and Nita Tidy.

A Hamburger goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic. "Sorry" said the barman "We don't serve food".


008.
Dog’s favorite school subject is "Dog-Ruff-ee”


009.
How would you name a fish which doesnt have an eye?
FSH!


010.
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Just cut its nose off.


011.
Do you know what cows usually do for entertainment?
They rent moo-oo-oo-vies!


012.
How is a sheep which has no legs called?
A Cloud !


013.
What will the ghost say to a bee to scare it?
BOO-BEE


014.
Why was the fish expelled from school?
Because he was caught with seaweed.


015.
what do you call a man who have no arms and legs in a pool?
Bob


016.
what do you call a man who don’t have any arms and legs sitting on your front porch?
Matt


017.
If you want a single day job per week, just become a garbage collector.


018.
One of the easiest ways to drive costly cars is to become a driver.


019.
Seals are the only animals that have legal documents.


020.
The best weapon to break anything is an unbreakable thing.


021.
Bathroom is the place where everyone sings at least one line.


022.
If you dig a hole for treasure, always dig alone.


023.
My headache is back but body is apart.


024.
Please excuse me from being absent yesterday because I had diahoria.


025.
My daughter was under a famous doctor but didn’t pass the medical test exam.


026.
If you are meant to learn by your mistakes, why is it so many couples have more than the one child. Universal truths - Have you ever noticed that people who can't drive always slam car doors really hard. One of the perks of ageing is that, whatever you buy new, it is unlikely that it will wear out.