Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes are some of the funniest jokes about judges, criminals and petty thieves; some of these jokes are hilarious and take a dig at the system.



001.
My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the judge " My
client inserted his arm through a window and removed some items. As his arm is
not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to punish the whole person
for a crime committed by a sole limb. The Judge replied " Okay - using that logic,
the defendant's arm is sentenced to 2 years in prison and can accompany the limb
if he chooses". So with the aid of my lawyer, I unscrewed my artificial arm,
placed it on the table and walked out of the courtroom.


002.
I went to my lawyer’s funeral last week and was amazed at the turnout. I asked a
man standing at the church " Do you know who all these people are?". "Yes"
replied the man "We are all former clients of his". "That’s nice that you all
wished to pay your last respects". "Not at all" said the man "We are here to make
sure that he's dead".


003.
A drunkard was in court and the judge said "You
have been brought here today
for drinking. Do you understand"? The drunkard replied "Fantastic, when do we
start?".


004.
Two friends were at the zoo and one said to the other "What does your Dad do
for work". He drives a coach. "What about yours?" asked the second boy in
return. "He's a lawyer" came the reply. "Honest" exclaimed the first boy "No,
he's like all the others" came the reply.


005.
I was in our local post office the other day and noticed a bald, middle aged man
in the corner putting Love stamps and hearts on loads of bright pink envelopes.
He then sprayed them with women's perfume. I was a little curious so asked him
what he was doing. He said " I'm sending 500 Valentine cards out all signed
"Guess who"? "Why are you doing that" I enquired. The man said "I'm a divorce
lawyer".




006.
A woman is giving evidence in court. "What were the first words that your husband uttered to you on that morning? she was asked.
"Where am I Doreen?" she replied.
"So why did you hit him?" asked the Judge.
"Because my name is Deborah".


007.
A lawyer talking to his client " Bad news is the police found your DNA all over the
scene of the crime." "Any good news" asked the client.
"Yes" replied the lawyer. "Your cholesterol is below 130".


008.
I went to my solicitor and told him that I wished to make a will but didn't know what to do. He said "Just leave it all to me". I was a bit upset by this and replied " Well, I had intended to leave something to the family as well".


009.
 hilarious things that Lawyers should never say
1. Is it true that you were present until you left the building?
2. Who was it that got killed in the accident - you or your sister?.
3. When the two cars collided, how far away from each other were they?
4. Was that the first time that your brother had committed suicide?
5. When he took your photo, were you present?


010.
A man was giving evidence in a courtroom and was asked by the Judge "Mr.
Jackson, didn't you have a very fancy honeymoon recently?"
"Indeed I did, Sir" re replied "I went to the Caribbean"
"Who went with you?" asked the Judge.


011.
The Judge asked the woman in court “Is your appearance before me today solely
down to the warrant that the court sent to your lawers?"
"Certainly not" she replied " I always dress this way when going to work.


012.
A Doctor giving evidence in a courtroom is asked the question "Doctor, can
you tell the court the number of autopsies that have been performed by you on
dead people?"
"All of them were dead" replied the Doctor.


013.
Judge says to the accused "When giving your responses, they must all be oral, is
that understood?".
"Yes sir", replied the accused.
Judge asks him " What is your address"
"Oral" replied the accused.


014.
A man was in court and the Judge asked him “For the record, state to the court
your birth date". "June 20th" replied the man."Which year" asked the judge.
"Every year" replied the man.


015.
A man is in court charged with driving without due care and attention. The
prosecuting lawyer asks him ".Can you tell me the gear you were in at the point of
impact with the other vehicle". The man replied " My best suit as I was on my way to a wedding.


016.
A woman in court room is asked by lawyer “Can you remember the first words that your husband uttered to you on that particular morning? " Yes, Sir" she replied " His first words to me were "What's for breakfast Sally?". "Why should that have upset you?" asked the lawyer. "My name is Barbara" replied the woman.


017.
A group of guests in a party were blaming all of America’s problems on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t actually all that bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $2000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal etc, my bill was $51,000. When the judgement only amounted to $49,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”


018.
In what way are a lawyer and a boxing referee different?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.


019.
What number of lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?


020.
When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer replied, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I dont' get a penny. If I do win it, you get no penny."


021.
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."
"Why do you think that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'Cost for waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.99."


022.
Three proud mothers were bragging about the virtues of their children. The
First said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of numerous patients.”
The second proudly followed, “My son, the scientist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution at all.”
“Psh, that is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients even for the time he spends on the golf course!”


023.
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you.
You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds so much like car payments!"
Lawyer: "Yeah, you're actually right -- mine."


024.
A lawyer was driving his Ford down the street, singing to himself, "I love my Ford." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was Crashed. "My car! My car!" he sobbed.
Another man was driving by and cried out, " you're bleeding! your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, sobbed again, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"


025.
Judge: You have been sentenced to death, however you can choose the way you want to die.
Accused: I want to die of old age, your honour.