Hilarious Jokes

Hilarious Jokes are the best of the lot, cherry picked jokes that will leaving your stomach aching from laughing out loud. These hilarious jokes will make you forget the worries of everyday life and will give freedom from stress and tension.


001.
A signboard outside a restaurant said:

"Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill".

A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave the bill he pointed to the signboard, "Don't you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill".

The waiter said, "Sir, this is not your bill. This is your grandfather's bill".


002.
An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:

"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".

A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed.".

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".

The old man said, "And the same old story"!.




003.
A king offered half his kingdom or a 1000 kilos of gold or his daughter's hand in marriage if any brave man could cross a river full of poisonous snakes and crocodiles.

No one voluntered but one young man jumped in to the river and crossed it without any difficulty.

The king asked:
"What do you want brave man, half of my kinddom?"

The man said: "No your majesty"

King: "Then the 1000 kilos of gold?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then my daughter's hand in marriage?"

Man: "No your majesty"

King: "Then what is it that you want?"

Man: "The name of the person who pushed me in the river".


004.
A rich man booked a journey in a helicopter and was boasting to all of his friends that he was travelling in a chopper.

Suddenly the pilot started to laugh out loud. The rich man asked, "Why are you laughing?"

The pilot said, "I wonder what the doctor will think after finding that I have escaped from the asylum.".


005.
A matchmaker was telling to a young but poor man,

"There is a beautiful elderly lady who is widowed who owns a fortune and is looking for a young man to marry. She is gentle and also has a twenty year old daughter."

The man said,
"I would rather marry the daughter in that case".

The matchmaker replied,
"But if you marry the daughter, you will get an irritating and ugly old hag for a mother-in-law".


006.
Man: Did you save my son from getting drowned?
Lifeguard: Yes sir.
Man: There was a one dollar bill in his pocket. Where is it?

Notice board outside the eye hospital: If you are not able to read this then come in and get your eyes checked.


007.
Son of a powerful politician was boasting in a party: Do you know who my father is?
Another guy: Shame on you. You are a grown up guy and still you don't know who your father is.


008.
A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked:
Why are you crying?
Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.
Passer By: Who is your dad?
Kid: That is what the fight is about.


009.
Member of the audience: Your speech is so fresh.
Speaker: Thank you, why do you say so?
Member of the audience: We wake up feeling fresh after your speech!


010.
Santa: My friend said that he became a millionaire by listening to my advice.
Banta: Wow! Thats great.
Santa: He also said that if I hadn't given him the advice he would have become a billionaire.


011.
Santa: I am feeling very unwanted. I don't think anyone in this world wants me.
Banta: Why don't you murder a couple of people and rob the bank. You will be very much wanted all over.


012.
Teacher: Oxygen was first discovered in the year seventeen seventy two.
Student: But what were people breathing before that year?


Teacher: Do you know that Issac Newton proved that a tennis ball can be turned inside out without cutting it open by using Calculus.
Student: So far I was believing that an apple fell on Newton's head. Now I believe that a heavy stone must have fallen on his head.


013.
Teacher: Do you know how are days and nights formed?
Student: By opening and closing your eyes ma'am.


014.
First Lunatic was shouting: I am Obama, I am Barrack Obama
Second Lunatic: Who told you so?
First Lunatic: God
Third Lunatic: He is lying. I never told him so.


The editor of a popular magazine was advicing his wayward son. He told him,
"Son, you need to be more responsible in life and learn the tricks of the trade. What would you do for example if the magazine came out with lots of errors?"

The son relied: "I will blame the printer".

The editor became happy knowing that his son would become a worthy successor.


015.
Psychiatrist to Banta:
Do you ever hear someone speaking but you are not able to seem them?
Banta: Yes
Psychiatrist: When does this happen?
Banta: When I am speaking on the phone.


016.
Doctor: Tell me what is your problem.
Patient: I want to live for a hundred years Doctor.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you drink?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Any girls...
Patient: No, not at all.
Doctor: If you don't smoke, don't drink and also no girls, why the @&*k do you want to live for a hundred years?


017.
Employee to boss:
My wife wants me to take a holiday tomorrow since the attic, the garage and the garden has to be cleaned.
Boss: Sorry I cannot give you a holiday tomorrow.
Employee: Thanks boss, I knew you would help me.


018.
Santa: Do you ever wish you became a bachelor again when you see a girl?
Banta: Yes
Santa: Which girl?
Banta: My wife!


019.
Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn't find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.
Husband 2: Wow, that's great.Is it for drinking or bathing?
Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.


020.
Santa: "How do I drown all my worries and troubles?".
Banta: "Why don't you take out your wife for swimming".


021.
A guy talks to his friend:
“You know, I got really unlucky with both of my wives!”
“How so?”
“Well the first one ran way with my neighbor!”
“And what about the second one?”
“She didn’t!!!”


022.
“My uncle is a bishop and everybody calls him {Your Holiness}.”

“My uncle is an ambassador and everybody calls him {Your Excellency}.”

“You guys got nothing on me! My uncle is 500 pounds and everybody exclaims {Oh My God!} when they see him!”

The captain of the Titanic gathers his passengers and tells them:
“I have some news for you: one is bad and one is good. Which one do you want to hear first?”
“The bad one!”
“In the next couple of hours the ship will break in two and sink!”
“And what about the good news?”
“We’ll get 11 Oscars for that!”


023.
A husband comes home one night and tells his wife:
“I won a million dollars today!”
“No way! Are they for real?”
They checked the money and concluded that the money is real.
“Get your things!” said the man.
“Which one of them? My winter clothes or my summer ones?”
“All of them!”
The enthusiastic woman runs all over the house packing her things and when she’s done she quietly awaits new orders.
“And now what?”
“Now get lost!”


024.
“Daddy, I’d like to help and old man. Can I have some money? A dollar maybe two?
“Well done my son! That is a very nice gesture! Here’s 5 bucks. Now where is that poor man?”
“He’s down the street selling ice cream!”