Variety Jokes

Variety Jokes are those which don't fall in to any category or is a mixture of humor on various topics like lawyers, marriage and funny kis.


001.
Lady to butcher: Is that the biggest duck you have?
The butcher not wanting to lose a customer because of this said: No ma'am, we have another bigger one.
He went inside, took a pump and blew some air in the duck to make it look bigger. Then he gave it to the lady.
The lady said: Good, I will have both of them.


002.
Airhostess to old man: Don't worry sir; there is nothing to be afraid of.
Old man: Thanks, that relieves me; you know I haven't bought a ticket.


003.
Why are fishermen successful in business?
Because they make "net profits"


004.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: Now you sit still on that chair and don't shuffle about.


005.
Which book you cannot find in a library?
Cheque-books.




006.
Santa: Did you enjoy the boxing match>
Banta: Yes, but it was so cold that even the boxers were wearing gloves.


007.
Santa: Why aren't you using toothpaste?
Banta: Because my tooth isn’t loose.


008.
How does a pony that has caught a cold sound?
A little hoarse


009.
What flower do you get if you cross a dog with a certain vegetable?
Collie-flower


010.
Man 1: I became a millionaire after marriage.
Man 2: Wow! Your wife has sure bought lots of luck to you.
Man 1: Actually I was a billionaire before marriage.


011.
A rich but spoilt boy fell in love with a girl and showered her with gifts though she didn't reciprocate his love. Once she was injured and he took her to the hospital, paid the bills and even gave some blood.

But the girl fell in love with someone else and when the boy found this out he shouted at her and asked her to give back all the gifts that he had given. The girl agreed and gave him back the gifts.

The boy by now was insanely angry and shouted: "Well, how about the other thing that I gave you. How are you going to give me back the blood?"

The girl replied nonchalantly: "In monthly installments."


012.
Lawyer: Why do you want to divorce such a beautiful and lovely wife?
Man: Look at my shoe, it is also beautiful but only the wearer knows how much it pinches.


013.
An obese hippie wanted to turn a new leaf and wanted to join the police force. But he was found overweight by ten pounds (more than what was required to join the police force). He ran to the nearest barber shop and had a haircut. Now he was weighing just 2 pounds more than the limit.

The police official in charge of the measurement said, "Look here son, whether you weigh 10 pounds more or 2 pounds more, rule is a rule. You have to weigh 2 more pounds lesser in order to become eligible for the police force recruitment".

The hippie said, "Don't worry about it sir. I am yet to have a bath!"


014.
A politician had hoarded lots of money and wanted to stash it in a Swiss bank account. He went to Switzerland but didn't know how to proceed with the formalities of opening a secret bank account. He asked the hotel receptionist.
Hotel receptionist: Why sir, my friend works in the Swiss Bank and would be able to open you the secret bank account.

He took him to his friend and the politician handed him a million dollars and asked him to open the account. The receptionist's friend gave him a piece of paper with the account number and told him: "Please guard this number and don't give it to anyone. Open it after you reach home and keep it secretive".

The politician opened the piece of paper after he reached home and it was written on it: Your account number is 1. Please recommend our bank to your friend’s sir!


015.
A lady complained to the builder of the house and told him that whenever a train passes by in the nearby station, the house shook and that day she almost feel off the bed. The builder thought that she was exaggerating things and went to her house to find out.

The train was due in a few minutes and she asked the builder to lie on the bed to experience it. Just then the door opened and her boxing husband entered the room to see a man on the bed.

He asked his wife: "What is the meaning of this? What is this man doing in the bed with you in the room?"

His wife told him: "Would you believe he is waiting for a train?"


016.
Santa became a police inspector and Banta paid him a visit. Banta asked:
Who are the people in these photographs hanging on the wall?
Santa: They are the most wanted and notorious criminals.
Banta: Your police department is foolish. Why didn't you arrest them when taking the photo?


017.
A tyrant ruler decided to put his photo on postage stamps. After a week he decided to check the sales and was pleased to know that they were selling many hundreds a day. The postmaster had a complaint though:
They want the gum to be on the photograph side of the stamp because that's where they are spitting.


018.
A man entered the house and said: "I have come here to repair the calling bell."
Lady at the house: You have come very late. You should have come yesterday.
Man: I did come and kept ringing the bell but no one answered.


019.
Man 1: You know what; my wife was on TV yesterday.
Man 2: Wow, how did she get on TV?
Man 1: Well, I think she climbed on the stool first.


020.
A newspaper reporter went to interview the world's oldest man who was aged 125 years.
In the course of the interview the reporter asked him, "What is your opinion about modern women?"

The old man replied, "I don't think I will be able to answer your question. I quit thinking about them a few months before".


021.
Q: Why do brunettes look in the mirror with their eyes shut?
A: To see the way they look while sleeping.


022.
16 years old Peter goes to the priest:
"Father, I came to confess!"
"No need, I read your blog."


023.
Claire sits down next to a stranger at a party and says to him:
"OMG, you look like my third husband!"
"How many times were you married?" asks the man.
"Oh, I've only been married twice so far!"


024.
“John!”
“Yes sir.”
“Bring me a glass of water.”
“Okay sir.”
“John”
“Yes sir.”
“Bring me another one please!”
“Okay sir.”
“John!”
“Yes sir.”
“Bring me another one!”
“But sir, what are you doing with all this water?”
“John, are you insane? Can’t you see the bookcase is on fire?”



“John, go outside and water the flowers!”
“But sir, it’s raining outside!”
“Get the umbrella with you!”



025.
A footballer goes to the priest and asks him:
“Father, can you please tell me if football is allowed in heaven?”
“I’ll have to find that out. Come back tomorrow!”
The next day:
“Well, father?”
“I have a good news and a bad news for you. The good news is football is allowed in heaven. The bad news is you have a game on Thursday.”


026.
On a beautiful summer afternoon a maniac enters a McDonalds restaurant and asks:
“Which is the best menu of the day?”
“BigMac!” says somebody seating at the table.
“What about the motherboard?”


027.
Why is it that only 10% of the human brain contains the executable code?
It’s been discovered that the rest is made out of comments.


028.
Samba: Why did Robin Hood loot from the rich people?
Tamba: Because the poor people did not have any money to loot from.