Husband and Wife jokes are one of the funniest of the lot along with marriage jokes. These jokes are generally about husband and wife poking fun at each other and at their in-laws.
001.
Lady 1: Last week you had advertised in the newspaper for a husband. Any luck with it?
Lady 2: I got two hundred people who said, "You can have mine".
002.
Lady 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: My last two children don't resemble him at all.
003.
Husband: Enough is enough. We already have four kids and I will go bankrupt and broke if I have to support a fifth one. I will put a revolver to my head if that happens.
Wife: But dear, you will be killing an innocent man.
004.
They sat by the candlelight having dinner in the luxury restaurant.
He said: "Wine does a lot of things. It makes you look beautiful, charming and attractive".
She said: "but dear, I haven't been drinking"
He said: "I know, but I have been".
005.
Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."
But her husband refused to go out and investigate.
Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me"
Husband: "Well yes, that's what my friends said too."
006.
Out in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brass band playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The man noticed a sign close to the bandstand and said " It looks as though they list the tune titles there- I'll go and look". He returned and his wife asked what it was. " One I don't know - it's called refrain from dropping litter".
007.
Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend. I still can't get the dust out of her hair.
008.
An elderly man pondered whether his wifes hearing was deteriorating. One night he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said " Darling, can you hear anything?". No response. So he moved a bit closer and asked her again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and asked again. She shouted "For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you".
009.
My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night she turned to
me and said "George, do you know that you are stopping some small village
having an idiot".
010.
After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where they had a
waterbed - or as she called it the following morning "the Dead Sea".
011.
My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten
minutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree with what
you say, then we would both be in the wrong".
012.
A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the one life
jacket remained. " I love you so much Doris that I will think of you often" - as
he put on the jacket and jumped into the sea.
013.
Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him
keep her.
014.
Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin.
Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together.
015.
My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs.
016.
Bill and Alice were celebrating 60 years of marriage. When Bill was asked by a friend for the secret of their long marriage he replied " We have always taken the time to go to a lovely restaurant twice a week. Good food, a little candlelight, fine wine, soft music and some dancing. " "Thats wonderful" said the friend.
Bill retorted "Yes, I go Wednesday's and she goes Friday's"
017.
My Grandparents were celebrating 55 years of marriage and so I asked my Grandpa
what the secret was. He replied "Two things son. Number one is whenever you are in the wrong, admit it and second, Whenever you are right, say nothing".
018.
Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your wife's birthday?
Answer: Forget it once.
019.
Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. Bill said " Ted, have you any idea what I did before I married Eileen?" No, what ". " Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted" sighed Bill.
020.
Two old guys chatting in the park. "Do you know the wife and me were happy for forty years" said the first man. "What happened?" asked the second man. "We met" sighed the first.
021.
Bert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever
they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple.
" When I let go, she's off shopping".
022.
My wife said that she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a
long time for her birthday "What about the kitchen" I cried.
023.
A husband and wife are having an argument. " I do not hate your relatives; I tell
you I prefer your in-laws to mine" he said.
024.
"My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean for the first time last year" I told my
friend. "Jamaica" he quizzed. "No, it was her idea" I replied.
025.
A Policeman asked if my wife could describe the burglar.
"He was medium build with a beard and a slight limp" she replied.
"Was it male or female" asked the Policeman
She replied " I would hazard a guess at male unless the Circus has hit town".
026.
My wife asked me the other day "How can I can rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is next week.
027.
I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As we
travelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. "What
do you have in that bag" asked the man. "It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife".
He replied "Excellent swap".
028.
My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a bowling club.
"Tenpin" I asked her "No, its' full-time" came her reply.
029.
I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some cheese from
the deli. She said to me "Ooh, I see you've bought some of that Armageddon
cheese". Puzzled I said to her "Why do you think I've bought Armageddon cheese"?
"Because it says 'Best Before End' on the side of the packet of course"
030.
My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly. "Quick, pack your bags;
I've won £20 million on the National Lottery". "Where are we going" I asked.
She replied "what's this we – just pack your bags and get out you useless man".
031.
A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. "Alice" he gasps "my
dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door".
"But you said that you have always hated Bert" said Alice.
"O I do dear, I do".
032.
My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so there was the
smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt
collar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in
the morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want some breakfast".
033.
My wife looks like a bottle of coke. Earlier it was 300ml, now its a 2 litre bottle.
034.
Husband: Do you know that on an average women read between 10000 to 35000 words a day?
Wife: Yes, that is because they have to repeat everything often to men.
Husband: What?
035.
Judge: Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.
036.
Man1: I am going to be a father.
Man2: Your wife should be happy now I guess.
Man1: The problem is she doesnt know about it.
037.
You know the happy marriage is over when the husband calls home and says that he will be coming home late for dinner and the answering machine tells that the dinner is in the microwave oven.
038.
My wife and me were happy for twenty two years. Then we got married to each other.
039.
Beggar to a lady: You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to this blind beggar.
Wife: Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind.
Husband: He sure should be blind.
Wife: How do you say?
Husband: He told that you look like an angel.
040.
Man1: How do you please your wife?
Man2: When you are wrong, admit it. When you are right, shut up.
041.
Man1: My wife says that if I drink once more, she is going to leave me.
Man2: Oh!
Man1: Am going to miss her.
042.
Boy: Mom, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mom: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress?
043.
Wife: I have a happy news for you. Soon we will be three of us in the house instead of two.
Husband: Wow!
Wife: Yes, my mom is coming to stay with us.
044.
Wife: Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why dont you be also like that?
Husband: Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her.
045.
What is marriage?
Marriage isnt just a word. Its a sentence... its a 'Life Sentence'.
046.
Marriage is made up of three rings. The first one is called as the 'Engagement Ring', the second one is called as the 'Wedding Ring' and the third one is called as the 'Suffering'.
047.
Good friends are the ones who stand behind you during your bad times.
To find them, just look at your marriage photo album.
048.
What is the difference between Love and Marriage?
Love is a sweet dream while Marriage is the alarm clock.
Love is BLIND but Marriage is the Eye Opener!
049.
My wife ran away with one of my best friends last month.
Oh!, how I miss my friend.
050.
Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw soime donkeys.
Husband: Are those donkeys your relatives?
Wife: Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws.
051.
Man1: What is the secret of your marriage?
Man2: We go to the retaurant, have a candle light dinner and walk back home. I go on Fridays while she goes on Sundays.
052.
Man1: When ever I feel stressed or tensed in office, I just look at my wife's photo and all problems disappear.
Man2: Wow!
Man1: The thing is, I look at her photo and think
"No other problem can be greater than this".
053.
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
054.
Doctor: Your wife's operation will cost a lot. Are you sure you want me to go ahead?
Husband: Whether you cure her or kill her, you will sure get your money.
The wife died after the operation.
Doctor: I am sorry this happened but you will have to pay me for the operation.
Husband: Did you cure my wife?
Doctor: No
Husband: Did you kill my wife?
Doctor: No, not at all.
Husband: Well then, why should I pay you then?
055.
Before marriage a man should think twice before speaking something.
After marriage a man should think twice before speaking nothing.
056.
An elderly couple in a hotel reception desk: "Can you please give us a single bed room?"
Receptionist: "Sorry sir, we have only a double bed room free"
Wife: "Well then, please place the beds together."
Everyone smiled at their affection.
The Wife continued: "So that I can punch him if he starts snoring".
057.
Man 1: I can either marry a filthy rich, old, ugly looking widow who will leave me a fortune or a beautiful, pretty but penniless girl whom I have to support for life. What do you suggest will be the best option for me?
Man 2: Follow your heart and you will live happily ever after.
Man 1: Hmm, okay, I will do that. Now where did I keep the widow's address?
058.
A wife gave her husband a wooden box and asked him to open it after she dies. After thirty years, she died and her husband opened the wooden box. There were three pens and twenty thousand dollars along with a note. The husband read the note:
"Dear, I am sorry. Every time I cheated on you, I bought a pen and kept it inside this wooden box"
The husband was moved and thought, "Not as bad as me. Just three times in these thirty years".
Then he read the postscript on the note: "And every time I got a dozen pens, I sold them and kept the money in the box".
059.
A wife was shouting angrily at her husband, "If my father hadn't given his money for our marriage, we wouldn't have got this LCD TV, car or even the luxury furniture".
Her husband replied, "Well, if your father hadn't given the money, I wouldn't be here".
060.
We are the ideal husband and wife. My wife does not trust me and I don't understand her.
061.
Lady 1: If you don't like your husband why don't you just leave him and go.
Lady 2: Well, I don't like doing anything that will make him happy.
062.
How to live longer?
Just get married; every hour of listening to your wife will seem like eternity.
063.
The groom's uncle said, "Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life".
Groom: Uncle, did you mean tomorrow? I am getting married only tomorrow.
Uncle: I know that.
064.
Advice to a young man getting married:
First ten years, it will be tri-weekly.
Next ten years, it will be try weekly.
The next twenty years, it will be try weakly!
065.
Wife: Didn't you marry me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Absolutely not dear. I would have married you regardless of who left you a fortune.
066.
Wife: You never tell good words about my relatives but keep praising your relatives.
Husband: ok, I agree that your in-laws are better than my in-laws.
067.
Husband and Wife were not talking to each other and only left notes.
Husband pinned a note to the bed: I have to leave early to office tomorrow. Wake me up at 6.
The husband woke up at 7 the next day and found his wife's note: its 6 o'clock. Wake up.
068.
Friend 1: How is your headache John?
Friend 2: It's out shopping now.
069.
Lady 1: I think that my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: Yesterday he said that he was with John last night for a party. But I was with John last night.
070.
Man 1: I want to marry a girl who is smart, knows to cook, looks beautiful and will care for me.
Man 2: Well then, make up your mind which one of these three you want to marry.
071.
Wife to husband: What a coincidence! You forgot to wish me on my birthday and I forgot how to cook!
072.
There are three kinds of wives:
The beautiful, the caring and the majority.
073.
Lady 1: My husband is known for his rare gifts.
Lady 2: Wow that is so good of him.
Lady 1: Well, I haven't received one in years.
074.
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A:Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
075.
Yoga Teacher-Has yoga any effect over your husbands drinking habit?
Women-Yes, now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.
076.
The definition of a happy man is a man who earns more per month than his wife can spend in a week.
077.
Two married woman were talking one day over a cup of coffee. One of them asks:
My husband is very busy lately and I don’t like that at all.
Why, what has he been doing?
Whatever I tell him to.
078.
Hey Doc! I think I sleep talk!
What makes you think that?
I wake up hoarse every morning
079.
A woman at the doctor:
Doc, what do you have for my wrinkles?
Utmost respect!
080.
After a two month relationship a woman asks her boyfriend:
Sweetie, when will I meet your relatives?
Darling, it’s difficult right now. The kids are at their grandma and my wife is in a business trip.
081.
A con’s wife goes to the jail and tells the warden:
Sir, please offer my husband an easier job in jail, he didn’t kill nobody!
Miss, he’s only washing the dishes, why is that so hard?
The idiot told me he has to dig a tunnel!
082.
Tow man talking:
Do you say a prayer before every meal?
There’s no need, I don’t allow my wife to cook for me.
083.
A man tells another:
I’m finally a “somebody”.
Why so, did you get a promotion? , sais the other
No! Yesterday my wife yelled: “ Somebody take the garbage out!”
084.
Two friends talking:
Let me show you a rare collectible photograph I just managed to take.
I see nothing special, it’s your wife.
Yes, and I managed to catch her with her mouth shut!
085.
A groom and the bride’s father were sitting down only minutes before the wedding’s start, and the groom asks:
What is your return policy in this contract?
086.
Man to God:
Why did you make the woman so beautiful?
So you will love her!
And why did you make her so stupid?
So she can love you!
Why did God create the Woman after he created the man? He said to himself...I can do much better than this!
087.
Marriage is a great institution! It helps two people handle the same amount of problems together. Problems they would have never had but for marriage.
088.
The jury found you guilty of bigamy. You are sentenced to 8
years in prison. This is not a good moment for you to laugh so
you’d better behave!”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor, I was afraid the jury would acquit me!”
089.
A woman tells her husband:
I was crazy when I decided to marry you!
I know... but I was in love and didn’t see that back then.
090.
A child asks his father:
Dad is it true that in some African cultures the husband only meets the woman after the marriage?
It’s the same all over the world kid!
091.
A married couple:
You promised you’d give up drinking and become another man! , said the wife.
I did! It’s only that the other man likes to drink as well!
092.
A woman goes to a perfume store to buy something new and asks the seller:
I'd like something that would make my husband spend more time with me. Do you have something that smells like a computer?
093.
A mom was putting her baby to bed and tells him:
Baby if you’re scared at night, or you need anything don’t hesitate to call mommy and wake her up!
And will you come help me?
No! I’ll send your father.
094.
A couple in bed:
Did you ever thought how life would have been if you would have been a man, darling?
Of course I did! How about you?
095.
A man runs like hell through the city and he finally reaches his friend’s apartment. All sweaty and panting he said:
I came to warn you! I got here as quick as I can!
Why what happened?! , said the other man in a bit of a shock
My wife bought a new fur coat and she’s heading towards your wife to show it to her!
096.
A woman was waiting frustrated for her husband to come home from work. When he finally came she asked:
We’ve been together for 15 years and our eldest son is 24 years old now. Didn’t you ever think about that? Don’t you think it’s time for
marriage?
Yes! I did thought of that! You’re younger you still have a chance, but who would marry me at this age?
097.
A tenant screams after the administrator of the building:
“Come quick! My mother in law wants to jump out the window!”
“And what do you need me for?”
“I can’t get the window to open!”
098.
Why is drinking and driving so dangerous for a married man?
Because he has to hand over the keys to his wife!
099.
Garry goes home drunk one night with a friend to show him his new house.
“Try to be quiet. I don’t want my wife to get up!”
“Here it is...this is the kitchen...this is the living room, that’s the bathroom and this is the bedroom. That one in the bed is my wife and the other one is me..”
100.
A couple arrives at the countryside:
“Honey this scenery leaves me speechless!” says she.
“Great! Then we’ll camp here!” replies the man.
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